Done with high school now. Strangely, I do feel a little different. A lot different. I see myself in a new light, a new young woman looking at me in the mirror. Only twice have I had this phenomenon occur to me previously and yet, I see myself now more as…well….myself. I have finally managed to peel off all of the external layers of pent up emotion and perverse thoughts of myself away from the inner core of who I really am. I know how I deal with anger now. I know how to deal with love. Though both of those emotions are easily discussed between people, I still find them profoundly hard to explain their root meaning. I love who I am now. However, not in the same sense how I love the smell of book pages or screaming/singing broadway hits in my car while running errands around town. Words can be confusing in their simple complexity. That’s why I think that graduation wasn’t a huge turning point for me. It was realizing that I no longer had to spend time in classes I don’t care about or walking the halls of my high school with people who have ridiculed me with ease in the past. It’s a new start.
Speaking of new starts, I completely cleaned my room in these past few days. I have also managed to rid myself of a plethora of clothing that no longer fits me or I do not wish wear anymore. If any are interested in the clothes that I will be donating at the end of the week, feel free to give me a holler.
Better still, I am now the proud owner of two coffee makers. Win. Thank god for graduation perks. It makes me believe in the human ability to be so kind and generous to people.
So, someone I use to be quite involved with romantically now has a significant other who is not me. Part of me really wants to be happy for him since he is still a human and deserves happiness. But she is so pretty and smart and man I find ways to cut myself short.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I just want to be a good person and it’s hard when you see other people happy to live without you.
Does it make me a bad person to be angry at him or is that just misplaced anger that I have no idea what else to deal with.
Perhaps I shall take up boxing. That seems to release metaphorical steam held within someone who had been through a few rough patches.
All I know is, I hope over those hundred miles of prairie, you are as happy as I am with someone who isn’t you.
I believe my slow decent into a senioritic/catatonic state is due to my lack of interest in classes that do nothing but waste my time for hours until four p.m. rolls around. Let’s hope this behavior doesn’t follow me into August.
Otherwise, summer approaches with change, warm weather, and mosquitoes. How I long for UV rays to touch my skin for hours on end… Which reminds me that I do need to get in shape this summer. My lazy ass now has an actual…ass. I’m thinking elliptical, ab workouts, and drinking more water.
1. School is lame. 11 more days.
2. Summer will be great.
3. I need to get off my ads and get back into shape.